


That's How Your Heart Dies

by wierdrocks



Series: Wouldn't It Be Nice (If We Were Older) [2]
Category: The Breakfast Club (1985)
Genre: Coming Out, Complete, Multi, POV Third Person Limited, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pining, Teen Romance, Unrequited Crush, sad teens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-01-22
Packaged: 2021-02-25 08:27:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22093033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wierdrocks/pseuds/wierdrocks
Summary: It's the summer before senior year, and that sucks for everyone. But it especially sucks when your only friends are going to be leaving you at the end of the school year. And it ESPECIALLY sucks when you can't tell those friends how much they mean to you.I only ever finish fics so I can start new ones, apparently. This is about Andy Clark's Emotions cause I'm nothing if not a basic and predictable bitch.
Relationships: Allison Reynolds/Claire Standish, Andrew Clark/Allison Reynolds, John Bender/Andrew Clark, John Bender/Andrew Clark/Brian Johnson/Allison Reynolds/Claire Standish, John Bender/Brian Johnson, John Bender/Claire Standish
Series: Wouldn't It Be Nice (If We Were Older) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1639318
Comments: 7
Kudos: 69





	1. Chapter 1

Logically, Andy knew he had no business pining like this. But logic had always been more Brian’s department not his. Andy had always felt like he was out of control of his own actions, like he was just steering his body in the direction it _had_ to go, for the team, for his parents, for his reputation. He knew now that he had chosen to put his dad’s expectation and the team’s wants before his own sense of empathy. He knew that he had chosen to mistreat people for the sake of his own image. And he knew that he had to do better. To be _be_ better. There was no way he could’ve walked out of that library on Saturday and _not_ known that. Or if he had somehow managed to let that message fly over his head, he was dumber than Bender thought he was. 

Now, though… this felt out of his control. The warmth rising in his chest, the smile that broke out on his face, so big it hurt. He wasn’t _choosing_ to feel this way, wasn’t even choosing to go along with it. He was being swept up in… in whatever this was. And he knew, absolutely _knew_ that he had no business pining.

Not when he had a cute, funny kind-of-girlfriend like Allison. He said “kind-of” in his head because this didn’t feel like dating the other girls he’d been with. Allison didn’t like holding his hand in the hallway, and didn’t hang off him like he was some status symbol. She came to his matches sometimes, but didn’t really watch, just sat on the end of the bleachers and read a book. She had no interest in coming over to meet his parents, or get into his pants. When the summer hit, they started spending a lot more time together. Whenever he wasn’t training, she wasn’t working on her art, and neither of them were hanging out with the rest of the Breakfast Club. Most of their “dates” consisted of driving somewhere no one would bother them and lying around talking. 

Right now, they were sprawled inside the bed of Andy’s dad’s pickup—his privileges to borrow it had been reinstated after a great match—lying on a blanket and looking up at the sunset-colored sky. Well, Andy was looking at the sky. Allison was curled on her side drawing patterns across his arm in permanent marker. He knew he wouldn’t be able to compete until he scrubbed the design clean, but the sensation of the marker going across his skin was nice, and Allison hummed while she worked. It was relaxing, made him feel weirdly cared-for. Like he was precious. This was perfect. And that made him feel even worse about the not-going-to-admit-it-was-a-crush he was currently nursing. 

Vaguely, he became aware of a heart-shape forming on his bicep. He looked down to see that Allison had switched from her favored black marker to a bright red. The heart was surrounded by wavy lines that reached down and connected with the patterns on his forearm. She was filling it in on one side with stripes and polka dots on the other. 

“Are these supposed to be the heart beats?” He touched the wavy lines emanating from the heart, trusting it will have dried already. 

Allison looked up at him, huge brown eyes peeking through the curtain of her bangs. “I really like you,” she said and added another stripe to the heart. “And that’s really scary.” Andy had been ready to say he really liked her too, because it was true. Instead, he paused, unsure of how to respond. Slowly, Allison capped her red marker and picked up the black one again. “The more you like something,” she drew a huge X over the heart. “The more it hurts when you lose it.”

“Allison,” Andy sat up, the metal of the truck bed digging into his knees as he moved to kneel beside her. “You’re not going lose me.” He took her free hand in hers. “I really like you too. I’m not going anywhere.”

She ran a thumb over his knuckles, shook her head. “Next month is senior year.” She wrote the letters C-L-A-S-S across his knuckles. “You’ll get a fancy wrestling scholarship, go to college,” she placed a tiny _of_ on his middle finger. “And I’ll never see you again.” She finished by scrawling 1-9-8-5 on his fingers. 

“You can come with me,” he said adamantly. “You’ve got the grades, you can get into college too—maybe you can go to art school.”

She shook her head. “My parents would never help me pay for it.”

“Well, maybe I can help. We can both get jobs, save up. Get an apartment off campus.” In the back of his head, he knew he’d never been able to balance school _and_ a job _and_ college-level wrestling, especially if he got into a D-1 school. But that was logic talking and logic was Brian’s thing. Andy’s thing was making promises he couldn’t keep. 

“Brian’ll get into Harvard or Yale or wherever,” Allison continued. “And Claire’ll move somewhere for school or travel the world or something. Bender deserves to get away from his parents and this town. I’ll be stuck here.” She shrugged like what she was saying was an inevitability, already set in stone. “This time next year, I’ll be alone again.” And a part of Andy knew that she was right. Other parts, stronger parts, wanted to tell her that everything was going to be alright. That no one but the two of them could decide whether they would be together come next year. That her friends weren’t going to abandon her.

He leaned in and kissed her. She didn’t kiss him back, didn’t close her eyes. He pressed their foreheads together and told her she was going to be okay. He squeezed her hands and whispered that he wanted to be with her, that she wasn’t going to be alone ever again. 

She pulled away from him and slid out of the truck bed. “Okay,” she said and collected her markers, using her black sweater as a basket. Andy wasn’t sure it she believed him, but he rolled up the blanket and tossed it in the back anyway. He slid into the driver’s seat and she scooched over across the bench seat to lean against his shoulder as he drove.

The lights were off at her place when they pulled up. He kissed her hard and slow and deliberate. She kissed him back this time and whispered okay into his mouth. Okay he whispered back against her cheek.

“Okay.” She nodded before pushing the door open. 

He waited until she was inside safe before driving away. He didn’t notice until he was in his own driveway that one of Allison’s markers had fallen into the seat beside him. He picked up the red marker and turned it over in his hands. He wouldn’t leave Allison alone. He _wouldn’t_.

*

There was a noise like something moving outside his door and then John Bender’s face suddenly filled his own window. “Nice evening, huh Clark?” 

“ _Jesus_ , Bender.” Andy jumped. 

Bender smiled and leaned up against the door, cradling his chin against his arms. “Did we have fun on our date?” He batted his eyelashes at him. Sometimes Andy thought Bender must’ve known about—about the feelings Andy wasn’t acknowledging right now. Otherwise, why would he act the way he did around him?

“Yeah, actually, we did.” Andy huffed and tried to open the door. He pushed it out about an inch before Bender leaned forward and shut it again. “Bender, come on.”

“Scoot over, we’re having beers with Brian.”

“What?”

“He’s ACT cramming or whatever and it’s driving him nuts.” Bender reached into the car and grabbed the keys. “We gotta calm him down before he explodes.” He opened the door again and pushed Andy to the other side.

“Okay, okay.” Andy moved over to the passenger side. Distantly, he was aware that the lights were on in his place, that his parents had probably heard the car pull in, that his curfew was soon. Even more distantly, he was aware that possibly getting drunk around Bender was probably a bad idea. Bender started up the car. “Should we pick up the girls?” If Allison was there he’d be staggeringly less likely to 

“No, no, no.” He gestured in the air. “This is guy’s night.” He backed out of the driveway without looking. “We’ll hang out with the girls some other time. Right now Bri just needs the two of us.”

Andy nodded. He wanted to argue, suggest they go grab Allison at least. He wanted to tell Bender what she’d said, what she was afraid of. Instead, he sat back in his seat and watched the street lights go by. Bender turned on the radio and it murmured quietly in the background. Some 60s bullshit; this must’ve been his dad’s station.

“Hey, Bender,” Andy said after a while. Bender hummed in response. “You think you’ll apply to college?”

Bender scoffed and glanced over at him, incredulous. “What for?”

“I donno—it’d give you an excuse to get outta this town.”

“Maybe I like this town.”

“I have it on good authority that you hate it here.”

Bender was quiet for a long time. “I can’t leave my mom.” He pulled over to the side of the road and put the car in park. 

Andy looked at him. “You never talk about your mom.”

Bender looked at him for a second. It was dark out now, and the street lights outside barely illuminated the inside of the car. He saw it, though, the way Bender’s gaze raked over him. The way his eyes lingered on his lips. He was probably imagining that last part, though. And he needed to stop doing that.

*

Eventually they were sat in the truck bed with a case of cheap beer and a pack of cigarettes. Brian and Andy didn’t smoke—Andy for his health and Brian because the first time he’d bummed a cig off Bender he’d coughed up half a lung. Bender and Andy sat on one side of the truck bed and Brian on the other, their legs tangling comfortably in the middle. 

“Thanks for this, you guys.” Brian said, toasting his beer a little. He was nursing his second one. Andy’d opened a second but he wasn’t really drinking it. Bender was on his fourth. Andy wondered if going out drinking was as much for his benefit as it was for Brian’s. 

“Don’t mention it.” Bender nodded, his head lolling a little too much, like it was too heavy.

Andy smiled and shook his head. Drunk Bender was fun to watch. “Yeah, no problem, Bri.” He watched the other boy for a moment. He was looking out at the night sky kind of wistfully, like he was thinking too hard about something.

Bender must’ve agreed because he reached his foot up and poked Brian in the shoulder. “Penny for your thoughts, Brain-man?”

“It’s nothing.” Brian shook his head. 

“The wrestling team’s not still getting you a hard time, are they?” Andy asked pointedly. He’d asked each of those dunderheads fucking _individually_ to lay off guys like Brian and Larry Lester. 

“No, nah.” Brian shook his head. “They don’t even look my way anymore.”

“Oh.” Andy nodded. “Good. That’s good.” 

“So what’s wrong then?” Bender asked and tipped his head back to finish off his beer. 

Brian shook his head and sighed. “You guys know Jenny MacNamara?” 

“Glasses, right?” Andy asked. “Curly hair and dimples. I had homeroom with her last year.”

Bender cracked open his fifth beer. “Drewbie, our boy’s growin’ up.” Brian smiled, face flushed from embarrassment now in addition to alcohol. “You’ve got a crush, Bri-Bri?” 

“I asked her out.” He shrugged. 

Bender gasped theatrically and threw an arm around Andy. “Did you hear that, Andy? Brian asked a _girl_ on a _date_.” 

Andy made a big show of leaning away from him, but even with rancid beer breath, having Bender so close to him was sending a thrill up his spine. “What’d she say?” He asked.

Brian was laughing at the two of them. After a little while, though, he stopped and his face fell slowly. “She wanted me to kiss her,” he said quietly.

Bender clutched his chest and threw his head back, sloshing beer onto the blanket. “My heart can’t take much more of this.”

“So?” Andy raised his brows. “Did you?”

Brian looked down at his half-drunk beer. He bit his lip and shook his head. “I couldn’t.”

“Couldn’t?” Andy furrowed his brow. 

“Did your lips stop working?” Bender asked slowly. He was staring at Brian intensely, like he was trying to figure him out. Brian shook his head again. He didn’t look up at them and mumbled something under his breath.

Bender leaned toward him and bent his ear forward. “What was that?”

Andy put a hand on Bender’s shoulder. “Hey, lay off him.”

“I just wanna know what the boy said, Clark.” Bender scooched over to sit on the other side of the truck bed, a little more of his beer spilling onto the blanket. Andy was going to have to wash it before he put it back in the truck, or the whole thing would stink of beer. Bender leaned against Brian’s shoulder. “Once more with feeling, please.”

Brian took a long, shaky breath. “I said I’m gay.” 

Bender leaned back slowly, keeping his arm around Brian. He toasted his beer. “Okay then.” 

Andy stared. He didn’t know what to say. What was he _supposed_ to say? Congratulations? Good for you? Can you tell that I’m queer too? 

He shook his head to clear it. He couldn’t think like that right now. Couldn’t go down that road. Couldn’t make this about him. He felt a nudge against his thigh and looked up to see Bender glaring at him. He nodded toward Brian, trying to prompt Andy to say something supportive. Andy gave him a hapless look, shrugging his shoulders and shaking his head. Bender rolled his eyes. 

“Well,” Andy started to say.

“So I’ll probably never have my first kiss,” Brian murmured. He chuckled, kind of broken sounding, and sipping his beer.

Bender looked at him like he was offended. “And why not?” 

Brian shrugged. “Not unless I can make myself be normal. No one’s ever gonna want me, and I’m never gonna have the guts to ask out a guy.” He laughed again. “My parents’d flip.”

“You don’t know that,” Andy found himself saying. “We’re graduating this year. You’re gonna get into whatever college you want, and then who knows? You’ll meet a nice guy, settle down.” He shrugged. “Maybe you’ll go to New York, or San Francisco. Chicago.” Boston, Philadelphia, DuPont Circle in DC. Andy was listing these places and hoping neither of them would ask why he knew about them. 

“You know a lot about where the gays live, Andrew.” Damn it, Bender.

Andy shrugged. “I read the paper.”

Brian looked up, his eyes watery under his lashes. “You guys don’t mind, right?”

“Your oral virginity?” Bender asked like that was genuinely the first thing he’d thought of.

Andy made a face. “Can you please not call it that?”

“No, that I’m,” Brian paused and gestured vaguely with his beer can. 

“No,” Andy shook his head. “No, I don’t care that you’re into guys.”

“Oh.” Brian nodded, though he looked like he might start crying again. “Okay.”

Bender looked at Andy for a long time, then turned his head toward Brian. His gaze stayed on Andy until he started speaking. “People who have a problem with gay people have nothing going on their lives,” he said, his tone serious. “They have to fill the void in their hearts by making others feel bad about themselves.” He crushed his beer can and tossed it out of the truck.

*

On the way home, after they’d dropped Brian off, Bender was still driving. About five minute away from Andy’s place, he pulled over to the side of the road. Andy couldn’t stop himself from getting excited. After all, how many times had he pulled off to the shoulder so he and Allison could make out a little before he dropped her off? He tried to think about Allison and not the way the faint light from outside landed on Bender’s jawline. 

“Andrew,” he said.

“Hm?” Andy tried to be casual. 

“When someone tells you a secret about themselves, you are _not supposed to say_ ‘I don’t care’.” He looked at him for a long time. Andy opened his mouth to say something, to apologize, but Bender pressed a finger to his lips. Bender smelled like cigarettes, and his fingertips tasted like beer. “Shut up. I am uninterested in your excuses. The next time you see our boy, I want you to apologize, got it? Say you were shocked into stupidity. And then say that you support him.” He took his hand away from Andy’s face. “Understood?”

Andy nodded. “Yeah.” He licked his lips. Salt and beer and cigarettes. “Yeah, I understand.”

“Good.” Bender put the car back in drive and pulled off. Andy watched him. He watched him the rest of the short drive to his place. And he watched him turn the car off and climb out of the car. He watched him walk away down the street until the night obscured him too much to see. Then he leaned his forehead against the dash and tried not to feel ashamed of himself.


	2. Chapter 2

Claire loved inviting the four of them over to use the pool. Andy loved sinking into the sun-warmed water when his muscles were sore from weight training. He got there a little late; Claire was on one of those floaty recliner things in the middle of the pool. Bender was dog paddling alongside her chatting, and Brian was on the edge of the pool kicking his feet in the water. Andy came into the backyard in just his letterman jacket and blue swim trunks. Brian waved at him and he waved back. He was about to ask where Allison was when she came out through the sliding glass door carrying a six-pack of coke. She was wearing Bender’s trench coat over her black one-piece swimsuit. Andy felt his mouth drop open. 

“Hi,” she said smiling. She bit her lip and held up the cokes. “Soda?”

“Uh,” he grasped one. “Sure.” He tugged one free and she walked on to offer Brian one. He watched her. She swayed her hips as she walked so that the coat swished back and forth like a fancy dress. Contrary to what a certain makeover sequence might’ve lead folks to believe, Allison Reynolds didn’t have to wear fancy dresses for Andy Clark to think she was drop dead gorgeous. However, seeing her in Bender’s coat, her legs slipping out of the slit in the middle every so often, flashing bits of her pale skin… it was doing things to him he didn’t necessarily disagree with. 

“Friends!” Bender lurched up out of the water and put his hands in the air. “I am in need of aid!”

“Don’t help him,” Claire said deadpan. 

“What’s happening?” Brian looked between the two of them. 

“I am _only_ trying to convince Claire that this pool is a no-judgement zone.” 

“He wants me to sun topless so he can see the tiddy.” Claire clarified. 

Bender shook his head indignantly. “That has nothing to do with this. It’s important to think about tan lines. Look at Allison.” She cocked her head to one side, now sitting on the edge of the pool with Brian. “She knows what she wants out of the sun, that being absolutely nothing.” Allison laughed. When she threw head back, the coat shifted and Andy could see she was wearing an extra little skirt thing across her hips. 

Come to think of it, he’d never seen her without bottoms on at the pool. Hell, the first few times Claire had had them over she hadn’t worn a swimsuit at all, staying on the sidelines in her jeans. Claire had bought her a black one-piece with a high neck, and she still insisted on wearing stuff over it. Not that Andy minded her covering up! He was just curious why. Allison was attractive, and he wanted her to be comfortable enough to show off a little. If she wanted! 

Andy shook his head and shucked off his jacket, prompting a whistle from Bender. When Andy looked over, he saw Bender was hanging onto another of Claire’s floaties, this one a pink doughnut ring. 

“Nice ink, Clark,” Bender said with a smile. He was wearing Claire’s light pink on-line sunglasses. 

“Yeah, that’s pretty,” she said, looking at him over the rim of Bender’s aviators. “Did you do it, Allison?” Allison nodded. “You’re a really good artist. You ever think about making prints or something?”

“yeah, I bet people would buy your art,” Brian said. 

Allison took another can out of the pack. “Claire, you want a Coke?” Claire put a hand out and Allison tossed it underarm at her. They all cheered a little when she caught it. 

Andy sat on the edge of the pool and then sunk all the way down to the bottom. He came up in front of Allison and she kicked at him playfully. The others were talking about something else now. Andy got a little closer to her and Allison crossed her legs. He honestly hadn’t been trying to be suggestive in broad daylight while surrounded by their friends. He just… wanted to kiss her knees? It was a strange thing to want, probably, but he liked kissing her in places that weren’t her face. He wanted her to know she was liked all over. He pressed a kiss to her knee and she ran a hand through his wet hair. 

“Disgusting!” Bender splashed at the two of them. Andy splashed back at him and got Claire in the process. 

“Andy!” she shielded her fancy sunglasses with her hands. 

“Sorry Claire, I was aiming for your boy toy.” Andy pushed off from the pool wall and glided over to Bender’s floaty. 

“Get away from me, Clark,” Bender tried shimmying away from him, paddling his floaty with his hands. Andy got an arm around the ring and tugged at it, trying to knock Bender into the water.

“Andy, don’t,” Claire sat up on her recliner. Andy ignored her kept tugging at the doughnut floaty, Bender clinging to it for dear life.

“Clark, I said be gone.” Bender kicked at him, landing a good one square in Andy’s face. Andy reeled back, clutching his face. He didn’t see Bender lose his balance and fall into the water. The deep end of the pool was barely six feet, but when Andy looked up again, Bender was struggling to keep his head above water. His limbs flailed, hands grabbing at nothing. Andy wasn’t moving. Why wasn’t he moving?

Claire was though. She dove off the recliner and swam over to Bender. In his panicked flailing, he hooked her in the face with his elbow. She managed to grab him by the armpits anyway and start tugging him over to the shallow end. Brian had gotten into the water at some point too, and was breast stroking after them like he intended to provide back up. 

Allison walked around the edge of the pool to meet them at the deep end. Claire dragged Bender all the way to the stairs. Allison reached out a hand to help him but he lurched out of Claire’s grip on his own and stomped away from the pool without a word. 

There was a tense bit of silence then. Claire looked over at Andy. He expected to see malice in her face, but instead she seemed… sad.

“Bender can’t swim,” Brian said plainly. He was standing in the shallow end, the water coming up just above his hips. 

“I didn’t know,” Andy said by way of an excuse.

“It’s okay,” Claire said and then walked out of the pool to follow Bender into the house. Andy looked at Allison and Brian, waiting for one of them to lay into him. He hadn’t known, but that didn’t mean… he should’ve have been horsing around in the pool. That’s how people drown. 

“Can you swim, Allie?” Brian asked.

“Yeah,” she said. “There’s a creek by my house.” Andy’s seen the stream before. It was muddy and kind of gross looking, not something he’d imagine swimming it. “I almost drowned once.” Andy reeled.

“That blows,” Brian said.

Allison shrugged again. “I learned to swim.” She looked at the house. “I’m gonna go check on Bender.” She padded off through the sliding glass doors. Andy got out of the pool, half intending to follow her. Instead, he stood awkwardly by the edge of the pool. 

Brian floated on his back in the shallows, looking up at the sky. A cloud floated by in front of the sun, casting a brief shadow over the two of them. “We should teach Bender how to swim,” he said.

“What?”

“Yeah, I mean… it’s not that hard to learn, so it can’t be that hard to teach. I think we could teach him.” He glanced up at Andy, looking for an answer.

“Yeah,” Andy said noncommittally. “We should… we can ask if he, uh, wants to learn.”

“Yeah.” Brian nodded. A silence fell between them. Andy looked at the house, wondering if he should go apologize. He looked at Brian again and sat down on the edge of the pool so his feet were in the water. Brian looked at him expectantly. 

“Hey, I um…” Andy scratched the back of his neck. “Sorry about the other night.”

“What?” Brian furrowed his brow. 

“When you uh…” what was the phrase? “When you came out to us. I acted weird. Sorry.” He shrugged.

“Oh,” Brian blinked. “I didn’t think you acted weird. But um, thanks. I guess.” He smiled.

“Oh.” Andy nodded. “Bender thought,” he gestured back at the house. “He wanted me to apologize for acting weird. But uh! I’m not just apologizing cause he asked me too, y’know? I’m sorry I acted weird.”

“You didn’t act weird,” Brian said quickly and bolted toward the side of the pool. Andy had his mouth open to ask what was wrong when he was mercilessly booted into the pool by Bender’s foot. 

He landed belly-down in the pool, smacking into the surface of the water so that the entire front side of his body stung. For a moment he didn’t know which way was up. Chlorine stung his eyes and he felt water rush into his mouth and down his throat. He reached out to either side of him, searching for the pool wall. Instead he found Brian’s chest as the younger boy hoisted him up by the arms. He pulled him toward the stairs the same way Claire had with Bender.

When he got his faculties back, Claire was handing him a towel. He slowly became aware of Allison screaming bloody murder. His voice sounded floaty and distant. There must’ve been water in his ears. He patted his face down and rubbed his eyes with the towel. 

“I’m not saying sorry,” Bender was saying, his arms crossed. Allison looked like she might tear his head off.

“Sorry,” Andy said. The four of them looked at him. “I didn’t know you couldn’t swim.” He coughed, feeling his lungs burn from the chlorine he’d swallowed. 

“You shouldn’t assume things about people, Clark.” Bender flicked his wet hair out of his face. 

Andy nodded. “Yeah, sorry.” Allison crouched down near him and asked if he was okay. “I’m fine.” He kissed her cheek. 

“Okay,” Allison stood up and then helped him to stand. 

Claire let out a loud sigh. “How about we all go inside and get far, far away from the pool, huh? Yeah, I like that plan.” She turned on her heel and started back toward the house. They spent the rest of the afternoon gorging themselves on Hostess snack cakes and wearing out Claire’s tape deck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Andy's experience of getting absolutely demolished in a pool comes from my personal experience of being at a hotel pool with some rambunctious classmates. Turn your pain into art


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Andy and Allison's next "date".

The first and only time Andy had ever tried to get the two of them horizontal while making out; Allison had pushed him back up to a seated position so fast his head had hit the back window of the truck. Now, it was her pressing gently against him so he was lying flat on his back with her on top of him. She tugged at his bottom lip with his teeth and he heard himself whine. Gingerly, he put his hands on her thighs. Her stockings had a run in them and he could feel how soft her thighs were. He could also feel…something else. A pressure against his leg. Like… 

His eyes widened but he didn’t let himself freak out. He wasn’t going to fuck this up. Whatever this was, it wasn’t worth fucking up what he had with Allison. She pulled back from him and sat back on her haunches. She moved her hair behind her ears, licking her bottom lip slowly. Andy’s mouth was hanging open, lips kiss-swollen. He looked down slowly, taking in Allison’s body, wrapped in black and dark purple layers as she was. And then, where her legs met, where she was straddling his thigh, there was an unmistakable bulge in her skirt. 

“Oh,” Andy breathed. He would _not_ freak out. Allison deserved him not freaking out. 

She leaned down again and got close to his face. He loved feeling her breath against his ear, the side of his neck. “You wanna know something fucked up?”

“What?”

“I don’t think my parents even noticed.” 

Andy had never wanted so desperately to cry. He wrapped his arms around her and rolled the two of them onto their sides. “Allie, that fucking sucks.” He said against her neck. “You deserve better than them.” 

She shook her head, almost amused. “Claire said the same thing.”

“Claire knows?”

“Yeah, I told her that first day.”

“Oh, when you were getting changed?” Andy asked. He remembered how pretty she looked in Claire’s style, but he preferred her looking like she always did. She was more comfortable like that, and that made it better.

“Yeah… I don’t know why I told her. I didn’t really have to, but I think I thought it would make her hate me. And I wanted her to hate me.”

“Allison.” Andy felt tears threatening behind his eyes. She wanted Claire to hate her because being hated would be easier than being loved. 

She shrugged. “I’m lucky. If they don’t care, they can’t kick me out or beat me into being a boy again.”

“Allie,” he kissed her neck, her ear, her cheek. “I just…” he kissed the side of her nose, the top of her lip. “I just wish you would believe me when I tell you you’re worth loving.”

“Loving.” She repeated matter-of-factly. 

“Loving,” he said again, kissed her chin, her throat, her pulse point. “I wish I could make you feel the way you make me feel.”

“You can’t make people feel things.” She squirmed underneath him.

He sat up on his elbows, giving her room to move away if she wanted to, but she stayed put. “But I can show you. Can I show you?” He put his weight on one arm so he could put his free hand on her belly, wear her shirt was riding up to show her camisole underneath. 

She looked at him for a long time, then spread her legs just a little. Andy’s first instinct was to roll over so he was kneeling between her legs. He pressed their foreheads together so they only things he could see were those huge, impossibly brown eyes. And the tears threatening at their corners. He kissed her forehead. She closed her eyes and he kissed each of her eyelids. He sat up, bringing her with him so their faces were still close.

Wordlessly, he patted around for the red sharpie. It’d fallen out of his jacket by then and was rolling around on the truck bed. When he finally found it, he took on of her hands in his. He kissed each of her knuckles in turn, writing B-E-A-U across them first and then T-I-F-UL underneath because he’d miscounted the letters in his head. She laughed at him.

“Listen,” he chuckled. “Art’s your department.” He took her other hand and wrote L-O-V-ED. “There. Now you can just look down and get reminded.” He kissed her hand again and looked up at her.

“Why do I have to be beautiful?” She asked. 

He opened his mouth and then closed it again. “Well you—you don’t _have_ to be. But I think you are. I love you. How could I not think you’re beautiful?”

“Was I beautiful before you were in love with me?” She cocked her head to one side, curious.

Andy took a deep, shaky breath. “I don’t—” the words caught in his throat. Was he really going to say this? He coughed. “Allie, I don’t remember.” She looked surprised. “I don’t remember what it’s like not to love you. Not to love—” stupid, dry through. “—Not to love you and John and Brian and Claire. I don’t remember what it’s like not to have people in my life who will be honest with me, who really care about me. I don’t _want_ to remember what it was like to feel completely alone in a room full of people cheering for me.” The wobble in his voice was his only clue that he was crying before Allison lurched forward and wrapped her arms around him. 

Andrew Clark felt like shit. Here Allison was, coming out to him and bearing her soul and he’d made it all about him. And where did he get off telling her he loved _other people_? He didn’t deserve her. Didn’t deserve her warm arms around him, didn’t deserve to sob into the crook of her neck. Definitely didn’t deserve to stay wrapped up in her until they both fell asleep, until they were awoken by the sound of traffic and early-morning sun.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> there's a slur in this one

And that is the story of how Andrew Clark made his dad late to work and lost his pickup privileges for the last fleeting weeks of summer. 

He walked to Brian’s place without calling first, which he didn’t think was a bad idea at all. It was Saturday, and Brian spent all his Saturdays cooped up on his room not talking to anybody. It would be good for him to see human life that wasn’t bringing him snacks. 

He pushed the door open slowly. “Hey, Bri, your mom said I could,” he stepped half in the room and stopped short. Because Brian was in bed. More specifically, he was in bed underneath John Bender, who had his face pressed to Brian’s neck. Brian hadn’t apparently heard him, too lost in the sensation of Bender’s lips against his pulse. Andy felt several things one after the other, and then all at the same time: confusion, surprise, a white-hot shock of jealousy, and then pure, unadulterated anger. 

He stepped inside and slammed the door shut behind him. That got both of their attention. Brian turned six different shades of red. Bender turned to Andy slowly, a smug look on his face. He must’ve been aware of Andy’s presence the whole time.

“What the _fuck_ are guys doing?” Andy hissed.

“Andy,” Brian held his hand out in some kind of stop motion. Bender sat up lethargically, rolling off of Brian and spreading his legs like he was putting himself on display. 

Andy shook his head, fists already clenched at his sides. “Bri, if you’re about to tell me not to tell Claire about this I’m gonna deck you.” 

“Andy, no, that—we—” Brian was babbling. 

“I mean _come on_ , are you serious? I wouldn’t—I don’t have a fucking problem with the two of you sucking face, but Bender has a girlfriend you—” he had no idea what insult was about to come out of his mouth, probably something lame like dork-ass losers. He didn’t have a chance to say it though, because the door opened behind him and suddenly Claire was looking at him surprised.

“Oh, hey Andy.” She said, her eyes flicking between him and the boys on the bed. She stepped inside and closed the door, then leaned back against it. “When’d you get here?” 

“Just now,” Andy murmured. He looked over at Brian and Bender. The former was looking sheepish and rubbing the back of his neck. 

Bender crossed his legs and tilted his head to one side. His mussed hair shifted and Andy could see various bite marks littering his neck. “Clark had something he wanted to tell you, Claire.” 

“Oh yeah?” Claire raised her brows. “What’s up?” Andy’s mouth hung open for a second. 

“Go on, tell her.” Bender prodded him. 

“John I,”

“Don’t back out now, Clark!” Bender lurched to his feet. Brian reached out to him, saying something under his breath. “Come on you, can do it.” He moved closer to Andy. “You were so _excited_.”

“John.” Claire moved to take hold of his arm. Bender pressed impossibly closer to Andy anyway. “You’re getting all worked up. Let’s take a deep breath.”

“Go ahead, Clark,” Bender said quietly. Andy wasn’t looking at him. “Tell Claire all about how her boyfriend’s a faggot.” 

He looked at Bender then. He couldn’t _not_ look at Bender then. As much as he wanted to run away in that moment, as much as everything he had in him was _screaming_ that he should crawl into a whole and die, he needed to look John Bender in the eye and say, “I wouldn’t do that to you.”

“John,” Claire said quietly. “Come on, sit down.” She tugged his arm. 

Brian had come up behind him; he touched Bender’s other arm. “Yeah, Andy was just concerned—I mean, it did kind of look like you were cheating your girlfriend.” He smiled, trying to bring some levity to the situation. Bender kept glaring at Andy. Andy kept looking at him. Brian sidestepped, tried to put himself between Andy and Bender, but there was no room. 

“He just—Bender, he—the other day I was whining still about not getting to kiss anybody,” Brian put a hand on each of their shoulders.

“You weren’t whining.” Bender didn’t look away from Andy. 

“So, he… I mean, he talked to Claire about it first.”

“Wouldn’t kiss anybody without my girl’s permission.” Bender didn’t look away from Andy. 

“And I didn’t mind,” Claire said, still trying a little to pull Bender away. 

“She thought it was hot.” Bender didn’t look away from Andy. 

“I wouldn’t do that to you,” Andy repeated. “I promise, John, I—I shouldn’t have thought the worst of you like that. I’m sorry. I would never call you that.”

“Never?” He quirked an eyebrow.

Andy shook his head. “I’d never do that to you, or Brian or Al—anyone else.” That wasn’t his secret to tell. “Because I’m,” he his voice all but disappeared. “Because I’m one too—I’m,” he looked away for the first time, face heating. “Well I don’t really—I don’t know, but.” A moment passed. He looked at Brian, saw recognition, surprise, compassion. Looked at Claire, saw a gentle smile, felt a reassuring pat on his arm. Looked at Bender, saw him look him up at down. For a moment, Andy felt exposed.

“Oh,” Bender said. “I see.” He took a half step back. 

“John.” Claire rolled her eyes. “Andy, it’s cool that you’re—whatever.” She shrugged. “We support you, I mean.” She patted his shoulder. He nodded. 

“Does Allison know?” Brian asked, then sputtered. “Uh—you don’t have to answer that.”

“She knows,” Andy said, barely above a whisper. “I think she knows.”

“What’s that mean?” Claire furrowed her brow.

Andy shrugged. “I kind of told her, kind of was too scared to. I donno.”

“Maybe we should call her.” Brian took his hand, squeezed gently. There was the sound of movement downstairs, Mrs. Johnson yelling something up at Brian. “Or we could go to her.” 

“I have the car.” Claire smiled. Andy was embarrassed he hadn’t seen the shiny pink convertible on the way in. Apparently, it was a present from her mom, a way for her to get back at her dad for making a comment about women drivers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> people who think John Bender is heterosexual should review the tape


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is the chapter i wrote the fic for

When they pulled up to Allison’s place, her mom was out front on a folding chair. She gave Andy the same embittered look she always did, like he’d just spat at her feet. Allison was surprised to see him, but grabbed a handful of markers and went with him anyway. The five of them were a little snug in the convertible, but it was nice to be so close to Allison and Brian in the back seat. Bender sat in the passenger side and held Claire’s hand. After a little while, he snaked his free hand back between the seat and the door so he could hold Brian’s hand too. If Allison noticed, she only responded by taking Andy’s hand in hers as well.

Brian looked over at him and kind of chuckled awkwardly, like they should complete the circuit or something. Andy smiled back but kept his other hand in his lap. They picked up a pizza—half meat lover’s half banana peppers and green onion— and then Claire had driven them well and truly out of town, to a lookout point Andy had never been to. He assumed this is where she and Bender came for privacy. 

By the time they got there, Allison had asked Claire about her favorite place to get sushi and Bender had flown into a blind rage. “—I am just _saying_ ,” he slammed his door shut. “Meat needs to be _cooked_.”

“Fish isn’t meat,” Andy said as he climbed out of the car. Allison held his door open for him like a gentleman. 

Bender looked at Andrew, nostrils flaring. “Andrew Stephen Clark that is the most Catholic thing you have ever said to me, and I will thank you not to say it again.”

“There are vegetarians who eat fish,” Allison pointed out.

“Because they’re posers. Next.” Bender folded his arms. 

“I can take you to a sushi place, Allison.” Claire sounded absolutely exhausted and they hadn’t even made it to the picnic table yet.

There was one not too far from the car. Brian set the pizza down and flipped the lid open, still standing, as they all gathered around. 

“So,” Brian sighed, playing with the pizza box lid.

“You don’t have to say anything, kiddo.” Bender said, grabbing himself a slice of meat lovers. “Not their business.” Andy looked at him incredulously. Claire made a big show of rolling her eyes.

“It’s only Allison who doesn’t,” Brian scoffed.

“Know what?” Allison asked.

“I’m gay,” Brian shrugged. Allison nodded and looked like she was waiting for him to continue. “That’s… that’s it. I’m gay.” He shrugged again, kind of looking like he wanted to crawl into his sweater and hide.

“Oh!” Allison smiled. “Yeah, that makes sense.”

“It does?” Brian furrowed his brow. 

“I mean, kind of. The way you look at Bender sometimes.” She wrinkled her nose mischievously.

“Well, Bender is pretty cute.” Brian said, his cheeks going a little pink.

“Don't flatter yourself.” Bender flicked his hair over his shoulder.

“We were literally making out like an hour ago, man.” Brian balked. 

“You were?" Allison turned to Claire. "They were?"

"They were," Claire smiled. "We talked about it. John and I have an arrangement."

“Yes, I get to make out with the nerd and Claire gets to kiss whatever girls she wants.” Bender explained.

“Oh yeah?” Allison smiled, almost mischievous. 

“Might want.” Claire shrugged. 

“Kissing girls is great,” Andy said. “You should absolutely do it, if you want.” Claire only laughed and blushed, turning away from them a little.

“Hey, listen,” Allison picked a slice of pizza, letting the cheese stretch out absurdly. “I have a thing to say too.”

“Clark your girlfriend’s a lesbian.” Bender quipped. Andy thought about maybe pointing out how they were _just_ talking about Claire kissing girls. 

“Actually she’s transgender,” Allison said quickly and lifted her pizza above her head practically poured the slice into her mouth. 

“You gonna rename yourself?” Bender asked casually. “Think you’d make a great Christopher.” Andy snorted. “What?” He glared at him.

“I already named myself Allison,” she said around a mouthful of pizza. “I liked how it sounds.” Bender made an exaggerated _ohhhhh_ sound.

“It does sound good,” Claire said. “It’s pretty.”

“More people should name themselves.” Brian shrugged. “Like in general, I think it’d be good for people’s, like, mental health if they got to pick what they were called.”

Bender raised his hand high. “Can we talk about this breakdown that Clark had?”

“What about it?” Allison tilted her head to the side.

“Was it funny?”

“Nah, it was probably the least funny thing he's ever done.” She shook her head.

“That is... saying a lot.” Bender nodded.

“Are you okay?” Claire reached over and touched Andy’s hand.

“Yeah, I got over it.” Andy shrugged and started talking really fast. “I mean I still feel the same—it was just me sobbing about how much I love all of you. I mean, I don’t think I'm in love with all of you, but I definitely care about you all more than I do about anyone else in my life. I'm talking too much.” He ran a hand through his hair. 

"No you're not." Claire squeezed his hand. "You can always tell us how you're feeling."

“If you don’t talk about it, the bad things will fester and rot inside you." Allison put her hand over Claire's. "And it'll start to feel like the good things never really happen." _That's how your heart dies_. She didn't say it but the four of them understood it just the same. 

"And besides," Brian added his hand to the pile. "You always listen to our crap. Why wouldn't we listen to yours?" 

Bender put his hand on top of Brian's but didn't say anything. He looked at Andy with this kind of weird intensity. Bender was an intense person to begin with, but this... was something else. Like he was weighing the odds. 

“You okay, Bender?” Andy asked. He hummed in response. 

“John?” Claire asked, though she was smiling like she recognized the look on his face. Then, Bender was moving forward slowly, putting his knee up on the picnic bench so he could reach across the table. 

“Allison,” he said measuredly. “I’m going to kiss your boyfriend now.” 

Andy heard Allison’s quiet _okay_ but he didn’t really process it. He was too busy trying to make sense of the image of John Bender leaning toward him, and then the sensation of his lips on his. 

Bender’s breath smelled like smoke and his lips were chapped. Andy felt himself leaning into the kiss, his hand reaching up to run his fingers through Bender’s hair. It was then that Bender decided to pull away, leaving Andy blinking at him like an idiot. Andy’s first instinct after regaining the ability to think was to look at Allison, who was pinch her lips together like she was trying not to laugh.

“Hey.” Bender grasped Andy’s chin gently and directed Andy’s gaze back at him. Then Bender held eye contact with him while he leaned over and kissed Claire, and _what the fuck was Andy supposed to do with that?_ Claire apparently thought this was hilarious, as she laughed into Bender’s mouth even as a blush spread over her face. 

Bender moved his hand to cradle Andy’s cheek like he was thinking about switching back over to him, and it was embarrassing how excited Andy was for that prospect—especially given the fact that Bender was _definitely_ just fucking with him right now. Instead, Allison put a hand on the other side of his face kissed him feverishly. It wasn’t as if she’d gotten jealous watching him and Bender; she was just excited for her turn. Andy kissed her back, feeling a little like he was floating. 

He felt dreamy and light. This wasn’t happening. It shouldn’t have been, anyway. He kissed Bender again, felt the other boy’s tongue slide into his mouth. He moaned into Bender’s mouth, reaching up to tangle his hand in his hair. 

“Y’ alright, Clark?” Bender asked against his lips. He pulled away and Andy blinked at him dreamily. 

He smiled. “Yeah, I’m,” he was cut off by Allison kissing him again, tilting his head toward her. He heard Claire laugh, and then Brian. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Bender tugging on Brian’s lip with his teeth, his hand cupping Claire’s face. 

“This isn’t happening,” Andy murmured against Allison’s mouth. He felt her smile.

“Enjoy it,” she said. “While it lasts.” 

Andy pulled away from her slowly, trying to study her face, understand how she was feeling. There was a sadness in her eyes, but also something else. He’d seen it before, when she was life drawing—this intense concentration, like she was devoting everything she could to remembering this. Claire kissed her cheek. Allison turned to her and smiled. She tilted her head to one side, waiting for Claire to come to her. 

And Claire did, after a long moment of contemplation. Bender leaned forward and kissed the back of her ear. Brian couldn’t hear what he was whispering to Claire as she kissed Allison chastely, but it made her smile. Brian leaned against Bender’s side, tangling their fingers together. Andy watched the four of them for a while. Watched as Claire and Allison pulled apart, Claire looking sheepish and shy. Watched Bender kiss her shoulder, murmuring against her shoulder. Watched Allison lean across the table and kiss Bender’s cheek. He bumped their foreheads together gently, the two of them laughing. They kissed and Andy felt something tug in his chest. He felt like he might start crying again, sobbing. He felt warm and light and like nothing was ever going to be wrong again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> instead of chapter 6 i'm gonna do an epilogue because they deserve it

**Author's Note:**

> I love Allison because she makes me sad in a very specific way. Also, please do not think this is a story about Andy leaving Allison for John Bender because it is not.


End file.
